5 Apocalypses You Are Probably Not Ready For

by on 25/02/2014
 

In 2014, we live in a world where the phrase ‘Zombie apocalypse’ is more common than ‘Starbucks coffee’, ‘Microsoft Works’ and ‘Mike’s crazy ex-grilfriends’.  It was the go-to film, book and tv idea of 2013, replacing 2012’s twinkly, twinkly, vampires.The concept of the undead had been somewhat ignored throughout most of the 90s, being relegated to B-Movies and 4-colour horror comics (awesome band name) until the mid Noughties (00s) . Suffice to say, it’s almost standard practice to have an obligatory “what’s your Z-Day plan?” Conversation with friends, family and co-workers. Those that know me, know mine, and those that don’t know me? Stay the fuck away from The Isle of Wight. It’s mine, I will fight you.

It's mine and you can't have it.

Go away. Find your own island. You can’t have it.

It’s a given that we all are, at least in some small way, prepared for the undead. Some people even write bad fiction about it. The troubling thing is that in this rush to get ready to cave someone’s head in via the exquisite art of blunt force trauma, we have largely forgotten about the approximately 75,000,001 other ways in which we could all die horribly.

 

1:Beepocalypse

Where have all the bees gone? In the past 10 years bee numbers, especially the friendly bumblebee, have been dropping at an alarming rate. There are many theorized reasons as to how this started including a deformed wing virus from a parasitic fungus. Metal. There is no argument as to the outcome of this however; bees are natural pollinators, helping plants do the nasty across great distances . The odd thing is that even though we know the bee numbers are down, we are struggling to find any bee corpses.If they were to become extinct then pollination would nigh-on stop altogether. No plants=no oxygen or food for our food= bad times.

This would make life incredibly difficult, if not impossible. More importantly, the unstoppable extinction of the human race is really boring to write about.

So here’s a much more preferred  theory;

What if the Bees were planning something? IN SPACE?

Can you hear a buzzing or is it just me?

oh beehave!

oh beehave!

How To Survive

Here’s what Wikipedia says about The Africanized Honey Bee (a.k.a Killer Bee):

  • Tends to swarm more frequently and go farther than other types of honey bees.
  • Is more likely to migrate as part of a seasonal response to lowered food supply.
  • Is more likely to “abscond”—the entire colony leaves the hive and relocates—in response to stress.
  • Has greater defensiveness when in a resting swarm, compared to other honey bee types.
  • Lives more often in ground cavities than the European types.
  • Guards the hive aggressively, with a larger alarm zone around the hive.
  • Has a higher proportion of “guard” bees within the hive.
  • Deploys in greater numbers for defense and pursues perceived threats over much longer distances from the hive.
  • Cannot survive extended periods of forage deprivation, preventing introduction into areas with harsh winters or extremely dry late summers.

So the response to this threat? Hide. Hide and eat whatever the hell you have lying around. Start with someone you don’t like very much. You read that shit? you can’t even out-dig them. On the plus side, if you kill their food, they die pretty quickly. Unfortunately, so do you, because you need it to live. If you are foolish enough to go on the attack, use a red filter on all torches. Bees and wasps cannot see the colour red, a flaw utilised by exterminators worldwide when dealing with nests in domestic settings. Wait until night, as this is when their visibility is at its worst and the cooler temperatures mean for sluggish movement. Any modern pesticide will deal with bees, however killer they are. Fire is also good- just a thought.

Another thing,-and I cannot stress this enough- you must kill the queen. They are the biggest bees and egg factories (laying up to 1500 eggs a day) that can hibernate through the harsher winters and start a new colony within 2 weeks of waking up.

Beeware.

Beeware.

 

2:Sinkholecalypse

Across the coastal areas of the west, Mother Earth has decided it’s ‘fuck this shit’ O’clock. With most of America stuck in the aftermath of what looks like someone with Parkinson’s had a freeze ray, the UK is suffering what idiot tabloid journalists are calling a ‘Mega Storm’. The rain had continued, unabated , throughout January and most of February, leading to flooding, winds of up to 100mph and subsequently, sandstorms. After America warmed up a little, and the skies somewhat cleared (kinda) over the UK, we collectively breathed a sigh of relief. The minute that sigh left our lungs was the exact point in time where the ground decided to swallow us up.

*Insert Mum joke*

*Insert Mum joke*

The rain and frozen weather across the West in addition to poorly maintained/ really darn old sewer systems essentially meant that the ground just underneath our roads and buildings (just like the one you’r e in/on, reading this) had eroded, leaving gaping holes all across the land, swallowing cars, closing highways and even killing a few people. With the ground aquifers at saturation levels, it dosen’t look like they are going to stop any time soon.

How To Survive

The problem with sinkholes is that they can open anywhere the ground is. There are however several signs to look for to spot an inbound sinkhole. Fence panels are a good indicator that something is happening below ground, as well as inter-connected cracks in sidewalks/pavements.Also keep an eye out for trees leaning suspiciously or that have shrunk/seem shorter.

If the worst happens, and you are swallowed (and not in the good way) there is a very real chance that you could end up in quicksand.If you are only submerged halfway, lean back and take slow, deep breaths . If fully submerged, the best way to survive this is to swim up, in a technique that mimmicks climbing a ladder KEEPING YOUR LEGS STILL, and more importantly not to panic. Panic causes all sorts of weird and unhelpful chemicals and responses in the body.. Remember in any survival situation the rule of 3s:

You can survive 3 days without water

You can survive 3 weeks without food

You can survive 3 minutes without air

So stay calm, and just keep swimming. Once out, move to somewhere dry, where buildings have foundations on bedrock. This won’t help, but you’ll feel safer. If the ground really wants you, You’re done buddy.

 

Soon.

Soon.

3:Monkey Avatarocalypse

Last week something terrible happened. Well, it was also pretty bitchin’. But mostly terrifying.

Scientists , who have presumably already cured all of the world’s ailments, conducted an experiment to see whether electrical signals sent from the brain of one Spider Monkey could control the actions of another sedated monkey. The cables ran from the Master Monkey to the “Avatar’s” spinal column. The results were positive: the master was able to control the movements of the avatar merely by thinking. The movement at present is a little robotic and stiff, but imagine what 10 years of R&D could do with this tech. That’s right: Monkeys with body-controlling brain cables.

Well, shit.

Like this, but with MONKEYS.

Like this, but with MONKEYS.

How To Survive

Disclaimer: This is a fictional setting where it is a case of you or the frightening Monkey overlords. I do not advocate violence towards Monkeys, or any simians.

There really are only three options that present themselves if we want to survive this particular apocalype:submitting, hiding or fighting. All these methods are based on one fact: the target is the controller, not the avatar. Cut the head off, and the snake stops moving… or zombie. Whatever. The point is it would be erroneous to fight the avatars; the monkey geniuses can just latch the brain-cables onto another unconscious victim. We could of course cut the wires, Evangellion style, but then there is still the problem of the hyper-intelligent (and now pissed off) ape. This is why submission will not work; there is no telling what they would make us do. I mean, You saw what they did to that frog, right?

Hiding would seem to be good, but massively uncomfortable. Most monkeys hate small spaces leaving us with the option to hide in the sewers. This is no good for a long-term plans, as the damp and disease-ridden tunnels would wipe us out of their own account.

You damn, dirty sewer tunnels!

You damn, dirty sewer tunnels!

This leaves us poor survivors with but one option; silence and frog poison. The only defence in this particular scenario is a sneaky offence. Tha Matis Indian tribe from souther Brazil have perfected the art of monkey hunting via a blowpipe, with experts capable of hitting a small monkey from 90′ away , or 27 meters , which is about the range of a Nerf Nstrike Elite. Which is really important for you to know.

My my, what a large gun you have, Mr Indian, Sir.

My my, what a large gun you have, Mr Indian, Sir.

Dipping the darts in poison (they use the skin of poisonous frogs) and a steady hand coupled with a hardy blow (phrasing) will ensure our monkey oppressors are dealtt with in a matter of weeks. Much like Batman, fear is the key; Monkeys are quite easily scared anyway, and will learn to instinctively avoid dangerous areas.And if they aren’t near you, they are no longer your problem!

4: Googlezon DroneBotcalypse

Recently Google purchased a bunch of robotics companies, such as Boston Dynamic, the monsters responsible for this fucking atrosity:

Now, a robot that can’t be knocked over is terrifying enough. It can also climb stairs and is allegedly powered by your hopes and dreams. Why google are doing this is anyone’s guess, but we can only be lead to assume that it is to take over the world.

“Well” You say “It’s not like they’re trying to watch our every move or anything!” Well…

Google is watching you. And it likes what it sees. You been working out?

Google is watching you. And it likes what it sees. You been working out?

So we have a company that watches everything you do online, records video of you when you’re offline and robots that can walk up the stairs. The only way we can hide is the removal of stairs, and living in treehouses.

Wrong.

Enter delivery giants Amazon and their patented new delivery system: drones.

 

Yup.

Yup.

The drones have been initially designed to eliminate the day long waiting period for Amazon deliveries, shortening the time to a possibility of just 30 mins. Currently the plan is to have them manned remotely by human pilots. so we’re safe, for now. The main problem is what is known in the drone world as “SWaP — size, weight and power. This is essentially a physics problem: The larger your payload, the more lift you need. The more lift you need, the larger your battery has to be, which further adds to the weight, which adds to the power requirements, and so on” (Washington Post, 2013).

Essentially what this boils down to is a matter of time and money before drones can carry a bigger payload, such as a 500lbs Big Dog robot. This may seem a long way off, but all Amazon probably needs is a massive cash-injection for the advances to be put into effect. Cash the likes of which Google might have.

I give you Googlezon, probable merger of the late 2020s and new owners of the world.

Dies Irae!

Dies Irae.

How To Survive

There really is only one way of being sure you are free from the robot uprising: an EMP. The subject of many a sci-fi film plot, and Electro-Magnetic Pulse effective knocks out all major electronics, and fries the smaller electronics. This will knock them out for an intermittent amount of time, by which you can get away and/or destroy the devices. Short of an elctro- nuclear strike or going underground, there really isn’t much that can be done in the long term.

The weak points of a drone in flight are obviously the rotors , or the ‘knee’ joints of the Big Dog bot are easy targets, provided you are a good shot or brave/stupid enough to get in close. What we have to remember is that Big Dog, is for the time being, relatively slow. This means there’s always the “outrun the bastards” option.

 

Right?

 

5:Human Powered, Googlezon Big Spider DroneBotcalypse

Instead of a lengthy explanation, This particular brand of crazy is best explained through a series of hyperbolic quotes and pictures.

1: Watch all of the Matrix trilogy

2:Spider robots

3: See apocalypse #4 and add it to the above factors

4: shit your pants.

 

 

How To Survive

In short, you don’t . Now the Googlezon Spider Dronebots can run, fly and are powered by bioelectricity of a human battery. Underground will be fine- for a while. When the (incidentally, now self aware) killer bots  work out where the humans are going, we’re, in short, fucked.

 

Sleep tight.

Sleep tight.

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