Zombie Apocalypse – Household Weaponry

by on 21/04/2013
 

Once again your Geek Pride Zombie Apocalypse Health and Safety Officer is here with some sound advice about weapons. First of all…

YOU DON’T HAVE ANY OF THESE!

The Walking Dead, for the most part , is great and though they do some really stupid things they seems to have an endless supply of awesome weaponry, ideal for dealing with the undead infestation. I would like to go off on a slight tangent here and ask why it is they don’t kill more zombies. I mean, sometimes there is one right there, safely on the other side of the fence and they just ignore it. Stab it, stab it in the eye now, because it is almost guaranteed that some way down the line it’ll come back to bite you in the ass, or more likely the arm as these guys seemingly avoid the added safety of a simple coat. 

Anyway back to what the point of my article. TWD have an array of military grade weapons, and with it being set in the land of gun freedom this is kind of explainable. But what about poor me here in the relatively gun free UK? what are we supposed to do? Well I have some friends who have an awesome range of ‘show’ swords and other such handy medieval themed weaponry and I am sure there are people reading this that have petrol operated chainsaws. But these items are not common place in the average home. So here is my handy guide to the average household’s weaponry.

No!

Forks or Spades

I’m talking garden standard here, please don’t try and take a zombie down using a beach based toy, you will definitely die, let’s face it none of us are Daryl; the only person who could make it work. They are weighty, sturdy and capable of causing significant blunt force trauma. The only issue comes with the person wielding it. I, being short and terribly unfit, would not be able to wave a garden spade around for too long; it needs to be a weapon assigned to the stronger, fitter members of the group.  I may cope better with the stabbing force of a fork, at the very least I can pin them to a wall and hope with all my heart a team mate could take care of the head.

Shelving and Furniture

Come the ZA having your books lined neatly and proudly on the display in not really a priority. Don’t get me wrong books are important, they are necessary for building the future in a post-apocalyptic world without the internet; and are a good source for burning when the nights grow cold. But the large planks of wood they sit on are just as important. Slamming a 2×4 into a skull can be quite damaging, with the added advantage of being light enough to withstand  frenzied “oh my God I’m going to die” attack without you tiring too quickly. Als,o they are relatively easy to carry if you strap it to your back. But don’t overlook the legs on the beautiful oak dining table, again a fantastic melee weapon.

The Crowbar

Every household should have a crowbar. They are light, easy to swing around and very effective at creating big brain destroying holes in your undead foes head. A bonus of this weapon is its effectiveness when breaking and entering properties when you’re out tracking down supplies. So if there is one item I say you must have then it is this one, better still have a couple.

Glow in the dark, even better!

 Sports Equipment

Are you an avid cricket player? May be you have a baseball bat lying around, then perfect, you have one of the ideal and let’s face it classic weapons. Made for athletes to swing for sustained periods of time, you really couldn’t ask for a better designed weapon. In fact duct tape a crowbar to it and you have extend your kill diameter, double hard! A pool cue whilst good for bashing is also suitably eye or temple jabbing whilst giving you that little more range. Fencing foils and air pistols in reality are no good. Although with a realistic looking air pistol you may be able to convince a human raiding party to back the hell off.  

Smaller Household Items

There are a range of smaller items that can be quite effective but also carry a high risk. They require you getting up close and personal which is something should really try to avoid, that’s why getting the zombies prone on the floor is a worthwhile effort. So here are a few to I should draw your attention to: Pans in general but cast iron ones are better, carving knives and cleavers, hammers, larger wrenches, your iron, rolling pins, eye jabbing screw drivers; the list is quite long but I’m sure you get the idea.

Sticks & Stones

I suspect many people would overlook the treasures the garden has to offer. For instance long sturdy branches from your prized tree and rocks from your expensive rockery. Branches can be easily cut, assuming you have a saw, and made into several weapons to a length of your choosing and the left over wood can fuel your fire.  Rocks, whilst not an ideal bashing weapon due to their severe lack of range, are still worth considering. Plus they can be dropped from heights. You can also utilise smaller rocks by tying them in a sock, I’m not convinced this would do a whole lot of damage, but in this scenario anything is worth a try. Sidenote, when testing whether a weapon is effective, catch a zombie and tie is up securely, very securely. I know it’s very risky indeed and not something I recommend but it is better to test these weapons in a controlled environment than out in the field.

One shot items

Large electrical items, heavy furniture and paving stones are some of the ideal one shot items and let’s face it you ain’t going to be vacuuming anytime soon. Dropped from a height you can get some good squishing on but it does really depend on you being accurate. If you do fail then at least you can consider the items obstacles, there, it’s not all bad.

There it is quite a few ideas for you. Take the time to look around your own home and mentally make a note of your stash. If your home is a little lacking then I would certainly consider, at the very minimum, investing in a cricket bat and crow bar. Everything after that is a bonus. Remember it will be a very different world so a lot of your prized goods are meaningless, if you can use them to save your life then they become valuable once again. Good luck survivors. 

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