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Thursday, March 28, 2024

REASONS WHY I WILL DIE IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Ever wondered what your chances of survival are in the zombie apocalypse? What am I talking about? Of course you have and so have I and I always consider myself to have absorbed sufficient knowledge and know how to be able to survive when zombies flood our world. I’ve seen the films, read the guides, discussed and put in place a plan with  my mates. Though I’ve not gone as far as storing tins of canned food, bottled water and heavy weaponry,  I still feel confident. That was until I watched walking dead, had some disturbing dreams and really sat down and thought about it. So here are the reasons I would be zombie brunch quite quickly:

“Err no thanks I’ll chew on this carpet, thanks though”

1. I’M A FUSSY EATER.

Really I am, I live with the hope that should this scenario become a reality, that I put my petty dislikes a side, but it’s not something I can imagine. Surviving on canned food is one thing, I think I could probably cope with cold beans and stag chilli. But when it came to catching fish cos it’s the only well supplied source of protein, well I’m out. I may as well starve cos I’ll just puke that stuff up.  It would make more sense to give mine to someone who isn’t going to waste it by decorating the floor.

 

2.       I’M SHORT.We all know the only way to kill a zombie is destroying the brain, which is fine…as long as the zombies aren’t over 5ft11. I am 5ft4, average for woman which means in a world where everyone else is zombie, over half, if you take into consideration the average mans height, would be taller than me (or some maths like that, not my strongest subject). Yes I could go for the old hit them in the legs till they’re on the floor and then bash their heads in, but this plan means zombies kills take at least twice as long which brings me onto my next reason…

3.       I’M UNFIT

Run fool, RUN!

 If Zombieland has taught me anything, its check Bill Murray is actually a zombie before you kill him and, more importantly, CARDIO! I’m not very fit, running  long distances, if at all,  is something I avoid yet is essential in dead man walking survival. I look awkward running, boobs get in the way, I have to stop every few seconds to have a puff of my inhaler. Basically, if I have to run for longer than 3 minutes I’ll pretty  much give up. C’mon zombie and freaking well eat I’m too tired to care!

 

 4.       I’M PRETTY CERTAIN I CAN’T KILL MY LOVED ONES

It is an unavoidable and sad truth that this apocalypse will probably result in you having to beat the unliving daylights out of the head of a loved one.  My personality tends to lean to towards emotional wreck, I cried at the trailer for the last episode of Friends, I cried for an hour or more after City of Angels and I cry at any touching scene featuring a parent and child. So to even consider for a moment having to ‘take care’ of my own bitten children to prevent them becoming brain eating dead people is preposterous. Not gonna happen.  I would rather join them as their undead rotting mother than do this unthinkable act. I can only hope that the quiet and mysterious loner type that has joined our group of survivors, who barely says a word, will step up and take care of it.  A scenario in which he proves himself badass and a bitter sweet hero.

 

Still soooo cute

 

So all in all I’ve got about 3-6 months, unless of course I can prove myself in someway useful in a group of survivors. Hmmm may be I should take up medicine…

Becca Harper
Becca Harperhttp://geekparenting.tumblr.com/
Editor and occasional writer for Geek Pride! I prefer Star Trek over Star Wars, collect comics and wish I could be a superhero one day. I tabletop RPG as well as a little gaming, design the odd t-shirt now and again, update my Geek Parenting Tumblr and when I have cash to spend (which is rare) I scour the internet for Wonder Woman collectables. Also Doctor Who and Firefly rock!!

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