Meanwhile the entire police force goes underground to search for Bane and his men. Yeah, seriously. They send the ENTIRE force down in the sewer. Sounds stupid? Because it is lol. Bane clairvoyantly planned for this kind of convenient stupidity and had bombs planted to trap the cops underground and to also blow the bridges. And while he was at it decided to blow up the whole Pittsburgh, errrr, Gotham Steelers team as well. If that doesn’t get the citizens of Gotham on your side nothing will lol. It gets better. He says there’s an atomic bomb in the city and it will be detonated if anyone tries to leave Gotham or anyone sneaks in. You’d think there would be mass panic in the streets right? People fleeing for their lives? Maybe try to hop on a boat? Nope. All goes according to plan and millions of Gotham’s citizens hole up in their homes. It’s a ghost town. How does Bane’s little army keep tabs on the whole city? How do the citizens of Gotham get food and everything for months on end? How does the city continue to operate? Who knows? No one lays out any rules. The underlying message of this far-fetched plan is loud and clear…this movie is starting to suck.
Bane also finds time to drop Bruce off at the Lazarus Pit in some other country and tells him that he intends to give Gotham hope before killing them all. Yeah, everything he’s doing to that city really inspires the people with hope, right? lol. Anyhow Bruce’s punishment has to be more severe so Bane leaves him there with built-in cable TV and snacks so Bruce can watch the destruction of Gotham helplessly.
Back to Gotham where Bane is now on a loudspeaker telling the city of Gotham that they’ve been lied to. He pulls out a letter written by Gordon and gives the details in fire and brimstone about DA Harvey Dent. Why the city of Gotham would believe a madman who blew up their bridges, trapped their cops underground, blew up their football team and threatened them with an atomic bomb is beyond me. Bane tries to give them even more hope by releasing their criminals into the street. Who in the hell writes this stuff? lol. I guess Mr. Logic took a break from this movie for awhile. I hope he makes it back because this movie is getting a little ridiculous.
Blake is disappointed in Gordon for not telling the truth about Dent. Gordon snaps back defensively and that’s that. Blake starts doing a lot of detective stuff because he seems to be the only cop left in Gotham. He takes over the movie for awhile while Batman is out of commission. It’s basically “John Blake Begins”.
Back in the pit Bruce is getting his back rehabilitated by the resident witch doctor who knocks Bruce’s back into place Looney Tunes style and strings him up to heal. The movie speeds ahead (in a Nolan movie 3 minutes equals 3 months) and Bruce is back doing pushups and situps in no time trying to get out of the pit with the locals chanting gibberish cheering him on. The third or fourth try is a charm (I lost count by then) and Bruce finally gets out. He looks around and is in the middle of nowhere except a village in the far distance. Then Bruce is back in Gotham asking Selina Kyle for help and…wait a minute, what the ?!? How did Bruce get back into Gotham with no money and no resources and with Gotham supposedly locked down? Secondly, how did Bruce find Selina in that HUGE city in the first place? And why is Bruce asking for the help of a woman who assisted in bankrupting him and set him up to get beaten within an inch of his life? Mr. Logic? Are you there? Oh that’s right he left a long time ago and apparently isn’t coming back. Selina tells Bruce there’s nothing else he can do for the people of Gotham. She’s getting the hell outta dodge and he should come with her.
Meanwhile the locals have been restless and kicking the out of the rich. They hold mock trials and sentence the Mitt Romney types to walk over the frozen ice where it eventually collapses and they comically fall in. Gordon and his crew of Merrymen are caught and sentenced to death by Jonathan Crane (aka Scarecrow) who has nothing better to do these days. As Gordon and crew are walking to their eventual death you’ll never guess who appears? Batman, who despite his heavy armor can walk across the ice just fine with no problem whatsoever. He also conveniently knew where to find Gordon JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. That’s not all. Batman is also a budding artist. He gives Gordon a flare and tells him to go ahead and light it. Gordon need not worry about melting the ice…it’s Bat-tested. So Gordon throws the flare on the ice and it starts a line of fire (I’m laughing as I’m typing this because it’s so dumb) and it reveals a HUGE fire logo of Batman’s symbol. Not only did that probably take hours to do but it also ruins the element of surprise. Hans Zimmer’s score blares the Batman music for this monumental feat and I keep telling myself it’s going to get better…it’s going to get better. Sad to say, it doesn’t.
So by now this movie is so far gone it just doesn’t matter anymore and I think Nolan knows it. I honestly believe he’s trolling the audience and the critics just to see how much crap he can get away with. So back to the movie. Bruce conveniently found Selina Kyle, conveniently found Gordon just in time to save him. What’s one more time going to hurt? John Blake, you’re up!! Batman saves Blake just in time from Bane’s crew and for some reason tells Blake to wear a mask. Jesus H. Christ Nolan can you telegraph the ending of this movie any more?!?
The cops get free and they all exit their sewer-dwelling existence as if they’ve been doing Bic shaving commercials. Ambitious weasel Foley has turned to last minute good guy after Gordon convinces him to lead the police charge against Bane’s men. The unarmed cops run straight into Bane’s mercenaries who are armed with tanks and automatic rifles. Batman once again comes out of nowhere in “The Bat” at the last second to aid in the charge. I guess Bane’s guys run out of ammo after a few seconds (they can’t shoot worth a piss anyhow) because it just becomes a battle royale of fists flying everywhere. Batman makes his way through the crowd practically untouched and comes face to face with Bane for the rematch while the chaos ensues all around them. The final fight scene of Enter the Dragon instantly comes to mind with Bruce Lee about to battle Han lol. Batman and Bane go at it and Batman targets Bane’s mask. It seems he can’t breathe when that mask is continually getting hit and Batman gets the upper hand. Batman starts screaming in his gruff comical Bat-voice asking Bane the whereabouts of the trigger to detonate the bomb. He’s about to do Bane dirty when Miranda Tate (aka Talia Al Ghul) shanks Batman in the back and reveals her true identity. It’s supposed to be a big plot twist but by this time I’m like who gives a rat’s ass?!? Talia (like father, like daughter) talks about her and Bane’s history and monologues her whole plan to a stunned Batman. While she’s flapping her gums Gordon is playing action hero and manages to plant a convenient device to block the neutron bomb from being detonated. Talia finishes her life story and hits the button waiting for the explosion. Nothing happens. Her plan has been foiled…curses!!
Talia leaves Bane to finish the job on Batman but Catwoman sneaks up on everyone with a suddenly silent Batpod and just in the nick of time (yeah, it’s a running theme) saves Batman and blows Bane back to the stone ages. Batman gets his 2nd wind despite having a serious knife wound and chases Talia down in “The Bat” with Catwoman assisting on the Batpod. Talia crashes the truck and starts the typical villain death monologue. Rather than get the bomb out of Gotham ASAP Batman, Gordon, and Catwoman stand there comically listening before she dies one of the most horribly acted deaths I’ve ever seen. Batman looks at his watch and figures he has a bit more time to waste with Gordon and Catwoman before he finally starts towing the bomb out to sea away from Gotham. We see a closeup of Batman’s face as he’s flying out to sea and the bomb finally explodes. Gotham is saved and it’s the end of Batman….or is it?
Well, everything is wrapped up nice and neat. We see Bruce Wayne’s funeral with Alfred crying once again that he failed the family. I know it’s supposed to be sad and all but I’m sick of Alfred. Wayne Manor basically becomes an orphanage. Batman gets a really cool statue in his honor. We find out John Blake’s name is actually “Robin” in the most cringe-worthy, eye-roll inducing way possible. Gordon is seen checking out what looks like the new Bat, errr Blake-signal. Fox learns the autopilot was fixed by Bruce Wayne and he gets a knowing expression. Then we see Alfred in a scene that looks just like his cafe dream that he had earlier in the movie. He looks over and sees Bruce with Selina Kyle. Bruce smiles and Alfred smiles back….Batman is ALIVE!! I sure as hell didn’t see that coming. The final shot of the movie is Blake finding the Batcave signaling he’s the new Batman even though he’s had no training and no wealth whatsoever. I can’t wait to see him get his ass kicked. Cue the credits.
