Batman V Superman Official Geek Pride Review By Mike Orvis

by on 03/04/2016
 

Right Internet, sit down. I think we need a little chat. It’s about Batman V Superman and how utterly ridiculous you lot all are. It dosen’t matter if you liked the film, or hated it, what has mattered is the utter stupidity that has cluttered the social media of both Geek Pride and myself. I didn’t believe it was fashionable to take a shit on something until I saw the run up this film’s release, some of which from members of geekdom’s humble community, who have professed time and time again that elitism is wrong and we should all dress up and play nice (I personally think a level of meritocracy within the geek kingdom is healthy- it keeps the Cheeky Nandos , “Geek” tee shirt wearing, LOZ Hearts tattoo crowd out). What this film has done is bring out the opposite in a group of special snowflakes that, by and large, haven’t written a comic/drawn a graphic novel/ penned a book/made a film or studied any of the above to any larger degree than the swathes of armchair critics.

But honestly, the amount of pants-on-head dumbfuckery that I have witnessed has greyed my beard. It was okay at the start; when we saw the first trailers. Aside from the usual facebook/twitter curmudgeons groaning about something new that wasn’t a shot-for-shot version of The Killing Joke, people where apprehensively excited for the first ever onscreen appearance of the most iconic characters in the world second only to Jesus (true story). With each trailer’s release we saw a few more grumps worming their way to the surface, drowned out by a suprising wave of support. It was, regardless of writing, shot choices, or directing, going to be an event.

I’ve read… a few comics in my time. I was understandably excited as all hell for the tiny eared behemoth Batman giving the Big Blue Boyscout a whuppin’. Aside from the references to the comics I deduced would be in the film, I had no idea as to plot. I had decided long ago that as long as I got to see Batman fight Superman, I’d be happy to pay the price of entry to the cinema. It was just like the 2014 Godzilla reboot to me: Monsters fight=happy Mike.

Shh , it dosen't have to make sense if it's AWESOME.

Shh , it dosen’t have to make sense if it’s AWESOME.

Now I know I’m in a small minority of people who can handle a B-Movie plot for the sake of getting to the juicy stuff, but a majority that I thought I belonged to is “smart folk who disregard critics owned by corporations”. Alas, alack, I was in a small commune of people with these beliefs when the critics took their collective dicks out and pissed on the film a few days before release to the public. Now, when reading any piece of literature, you must ask yourself “Why has this been written? (because Mike’s angry) What is it trying to achieve? (shaming those who know better into not acting like nobs) Why is it trying to achieve that? (because Mike’s tired of the boring, played-out debate and endless rhetoric as to why BvS is an “Abomination”)” . I thought that geeks and nerds, being of the upper echelon of intelligent life (statistically speaking) would know this, and implement it into your daily lives. This is why we don’t share Daily Mail articles, right? Because we all know that they are being paid to scaremonger and misinform by their maleficent Lizard overlord. Why, then, did no one take into account Snyder’s well-documented falling out with critics a few years back when reading their shitcanning of his latest directorial release? Did we not learn from when Kevin Smith also reported the same aforementioned shitcanning of his films when he publically called out film critics? Have we all forgotten that these critics are being paid, and therefore influenced by major corporations that sometimes own rival film studios? ‘Cos it seems like we all did, big time.

I walked into the theatre with little expectations, and was utterly blown away. Batman was almost perfect and Superman fit impeccably into a universe where he basically 911’d Metropolis. Wonder Woman was effervescent. Lex was modern-day sinister (more on that later). It was by no means a perfect film, but everything that people are griping about in the ex-girlfriend, post break-up bitchfest way that they are is laughable. Now, I’m not saying you had to like the film. If you thought it sucked, then cool. But for the love of Kandor, have your own fucking opinion as to why. The amount of  copy/pasted arguments that you can find in any online tirade posing as a review on any comments section by pseudo-intellectuals is not only trite but more boring than pocket lint.

Yes, the editing was bad. There’s no escaping that. I feel that perhaps Snyder over-indulged, and we’ll be getting a Watchmen-esque 7 hour Blu Ray release. This was the Lord of The Rings of Superhero movies in that it was trying to wrangle an epic, epic tale into under 3 hours.  But what we did get to see was cinematically beautiful. The introduction of Batman, for instance, was one of my favourite pieces of cinema, ever. It so completely represented the fear-inducing presence of higer-functioning sociopath who likes to dress up like a flappy rodent. The problems with this film consist of about 20% the film’s fault, and a big, fat throbbing 80% your fault.

You can use your imagination, I guess.

You can use your imagination, I guess.

This isn’t a Marvel movie, folks. DC isn’t always quip-fight-quip-fight-quip-explosion-boss fight-quip-post-credits. It’s gloomy, it’s gallows humour and it’s inspiring. What this film captured is the earnestness and Heart of the DC franchise with a somewhat inconsistent delivery that , if rectified, could’ve made it perfect.

Penultimately, to all the outcries of Jesse Eissenberg as Lex: It’s 2016. Lex Luthor has always represented the zeitgeist of “evil” at the time. Originally he was “the Man” in his suit, trying to corrupt Metropolis with (among other things) shonky Real Estate plots. Then he became a war-hungry President in the OO’s. And now, we see an unhinged kid, too smart for his own good, corrupted by a sinister outside influence because he is scared for his homeland. Lex is every school shooter, every teen suicide risk, every rioter.  Weirdly enough, characters change over time, usually in keeping with the culture or counter-culture of the day. Batman used to kill folks with guns, WonderWoman wasn’t Xena Warrior Princess+, and The Green Lantern was weak against wood. Things change. If you don’t like it, walk into your brick and mortar comic store and pick up some silver age stuff. Or stop going to watch films you’ve convinced yourself you’re going to hate before the cold open.

OG Lantern looked like this, too.Outraged, yet?

OG Lantern looked like this, too.Outraged, yet?

In closing, this is a film everyone should go watch and enjoy, unless you don’t like DC comics, then it’s probably not for you. Having said that, the film isn’t necessarily for comics folks either: it’s treading that tightrope between accessibility and respect of the source material, which it largely does without falling over. The biggest outcries have been from comics fans, which is disappointing to say the least. Supes is dead now guys… If you really want to stick to the story, I’ll see you in line for Man of Steel II: Electric Bugaloo.

Do you want Electric Supermen? 'Cos that's how you end up with Electric Supermen.

Do you want Electric Supermen? ‘Cos that’s how you end up with Electric Supermen.

Insert arbitrary numerical score here.

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